


Mulder's Journal

by scullywolf



Series: TXF: Scenes in Between [168]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/M, Gen, Missing Scene, Mulder's stupid brain disease thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 23:03:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11218068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scullywolf/pseuds/scullywolf
Summary: In the scenes-in-between version of Season 7, Mulder kept a journal for Scully. Here are all the entries, collected in one place. Chapter titles are the episodes where the entries fall, chronologically.





	1. Millennium

****_~~Scully~~ , _ _  Dana, _

_ I’ve been sitting here for close to an hour now, just trying to find the words. Trying to figure out how to tell you what I learned today. _

_ And then I remembered. You wrote to me in a journal, once. Maybe it’s fitting that I do the same, now. At the very least, maybe it will help me make sense of things enough in my head that I can tell you out loud. Once I can find the words, then I just have to find the courage to say them. _

_ Unfortunately, that might be the hardest part. _

_ Maybe it’s because I’m not ready to believe it yet, myself. More likely it’s because I can’t bring myself to do anything that might dampen the beautiful light in your eyes. You’ve been through more than enough pain for one lifetime; how could I possibly justify causing you more? _

_ Jesus, you’re not even here and I’m still stalling. _

_ Okay. Here it is in black and white: There’s something wrong with my brain. I’m sick. _

_ The doctors don’t know what it is, but as of today, they know some of the things it’s not. It’s not cancer or an aneurysm. It’s not whatever happened before with the artifact. It’s not multiple sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s or Alzheimer’s. I should be relieved, but… better the devil you know, right? _

_ So, they don’t know what’s wrong with me. They’re going to do some more tests soon. And I know I should tell you. Hell, if it were you, I’d want to know. When you were sick, before, I hated being in the dark. So I get it, and I’ll tell you. I will. It’s just… _

_ You were so happy this morning. It’s a brand new year, and we wrapped up that case last night (zombies, Scully, we fought actual zombies and won, I just want you to remember that), and then it was so late by the time we got back to my apartment that you actually stayed over. You woke up in my bed this morning, which is undeniably the best way I’ve ever started a new year, and I got to make you breakfast (not bad for a guy with one fully functional arm) and take you back to bed again after. It was too perfect to ruin, to tell you that I had an appointment to get my brain checked out this afternoon. And then after, once I had my laundry list of non-answers… I still don’t know how to break it to you. _

_ I’m a coward, Dana. You’ll be here soon, and I had every intention of telling you tonight, and writing this out was supposed to help, but all it’s done is remind me how beautiful your smile is, how happy you’ve been these past few weeks. I can’t take that away from you. Not yet. Besides, maybe the doctors will have more answers for me after the next appointment. It can wait a little longer. _

_ I’ll tell you soon. I promise. Just not yet. _

 


	2. Rush

_I chickened out again, Dana._

_The wine was supposed to help. I got the call just before I left the office. My latest test results are, apparently, not exactly promising. It’s strange though, because I feel fine. Actually, I feel better than fine. I haven’t had a headache since Christmas, and if I hadn’t gone to the hospital then, I probably wouldn’t know anything was wrong at all._

_I’m not sure if that would be better or worse, to be ignorant of the danger supposedly lurking in my brain, but also free from having every happy moment in my life tainted by worry._

_There have been a hell of a lot of happy moments, lately._

_But anyway. The doctor called that evening after we got back from Pittsfield. He wants to put me on some drug they use for Lou Gehrig's, something to slow the degeneration in the brain. It won't stop it, but it might help. And at this point, it's the only thing he can think of to try, since he still doesn't know what exactly is wrong with me._

_I wanted to talk to you about it. It's hard to know what to think about any of this without hearing your opinion. So instead of going home that night, I picked up my dry cleaning and some wine and drove to your place instead. I was going to to fill you in on everything, come clean about all of it. A little liquid courage to help things along, etc._

_Clearly that all worked out really well._

_It's hard to say this without sounding like I'm blaming you, Dana, but I promise that I'm not. This is on me. I’m the one who can't look you in the eye and tell you…_

_The thing is, I know I’m only making things worse by putting it off. The longer I keep this from you, the more upset you’re going to be when I finally do tell you. And I’ve waited too long already. So now I’m thinking about how hurt you’ll be on top of how upset the news itself might make you, and I just… how can I bring you that much pain when the alternative is to steal a few more moments of happiness? It already took us so long to get here; it feels far too soon to wreck everything._

_It’s too bad we never figured out how those kids were able to do what they did. If there were ever a reason to want to stop time, to take full advantage of every moment, wouldn’t this be it? I know, I know. We’re not teenagers, and the physical toll would be even greater on us than it was on Max. But it’s still a pretty thought._

_(You know, for what it’s worth, you are absolutely still a Betty. Forget “back in the day.” Granted, I will admit I am not a hundred percent sure what a Betty is, but I take it to be complimentary.)_

_Anyway, if the doctors are right, and my decline is inevitable, then there will come a point at which I can no longer hide this from you. And when that happens, I won’t expect your forgiveness for not telling you sooner, but maybe I can hand you this journal and you will understand, at least a little, why I put it off as long as I did. I might be able to fool myself into thinking it’s for your sake, but I know that’s not the truth._

_It’s for mine._

 


	3. The Goldberg Variation

****_You know, I never really thought about luck in terms of balance before. But in a way, seeing it play out right in front of us with Henry Weems, it makes a certain sort of sense. What if what we observed with Henry is just a really, really exaggerated version of what the rest of us experience every day? What if it’s just that the give and take of good luck and bad is usually so subtle that we don’t even notice it? After all, who’s going to keep track of whether the number of times you find a good parking space or catch the elevator right on time matches up exactly with how often you drop your keys or get a papercut?_

_It stands to reason, then, that there would be balance in the big things too. “Congratulations! You get a chance to be with the most amazing woman you’ve ever met! There’s just one catch… you also get a brain disorder so rare no one’s ever heard of it, and it’s probably going to kill you before the year’s out. Balance!”_

_It’s just that with Henry, everything is a big thing, and the negatives in his ledger get printed in someone else’s instead. Hell of a neat trick. And it’s that very lack of internal balance that makes him stand out so much._

_And to think… it all started when he survived a plane crash he shouldn’t have. Before that, he was just like the rest of us. Does that mean the possibility exists to manufacture circumstances like his? Sure, the odds against it would be astronomical, and I’m not sure I’d want to gamble with the level of risk that would seem to be required, but it’s almost impossible not to wonder. Then again, what kind of gift is luck like his, when he has to watch everyone around him suffer? Even if I knew for sure it could be orchestrated, I don’t think I could go through with it, especially if it meant that you would bear the burden of my good fortune._

_This journal was supposed to be about my brain thing, but I don’t really have anything new to write about on that front. I haven’t had the next set of scans yet, to see if the new medication is helping. I guess I just really had a lot of thoughts about this balance of luck thing, and I couldn’t share them with you out loud today without spilling everything else. I hate having to censor myself with you._

_(Yes, I know exactly how absurd that sounds. I know I chose this. Doesn’t mean I can’t hate it.)_

 


	4. Orison

_I can’t stop thinking about how I might not be there the next time something like this happens. It didn't really hit me until after we got back to my place, when you were getting in the shower. Even if you got through the attack without me (and yes, I know you are more than capable of taking care of yourself, no question), you would have been all alone after. And the thought of that breaks my heart._

_I know, I need to stop thinking like this. It's still way too early to know whether or not the medication is helping. For all I know, it might be. Maybe I'll get better, and you won't be left alone after all._

_Or maybe I’ll get hit by a truck tomorrow. Nothing is certain. It’s stupid to get too caught up in hypotheticals._

_Sometimes I wish I could believe, as you do, that there is a God, that we are all subject to some divine plan. Most of the time that isn’t actually a comforting thought to me, but sometimes… sometimes it would be nice to surrender control and responsibility to something greater than any of us. To trust that even when terrible things happen, it is somehow in the service of some greater good._

_I want to believe in so many things, Dana. But sometimes wanting isn’t enough._

_One thing I do believe is that, no matter what you might think happened with Donnie Pfaster, your actions were just. If you acted without thinking, it was out of instinct, not because some malign entity was pulling the strings. (Or, I suppose, the trigger.) You stopped a killer, undoubtedly saved lives._

_In my book, that makes you a destroyer of evil, not its agent._  


	5. Signs & Wonders

****_I don’t know how I got out of that one without you finding out. I thought for sure something would show up in a blood test and you’d read it in my chart, or you’d see that I had asked the doctor about continuing my medication while undergoing the antivenin treatment. Hell, I even tried to tell you myself, when we were waiting for the ambulance, but I guess you just thought I was out of my mind._

_And I should’ve said something afterward, I know. I mean, I did try. Just not hard enough. When the damned EKG gave away how nervous I was… well, it’s no excuse. I should have owned up to it instead of letting you think I was just overtaxed and needed to rest._

_The plane ride home wasn’t the time or the place. Maybe that’s no excuse either, I don’t know._

_Next week I have another set of scans. It’s probably too much to hope for, that there will be a noticeable difference. I’ve only been on the medication a few weeks. At the least, I can hope they don’t show I’m getting worse. If I am… if the meds aren’t helping at all and I’m continuing to decline, I’ll quit stalling. No more excuses._

 


	6. En Ami

****_I had hoped to never have to write in this journal again, Dana. I foolishly believed I had won, or dodged a bullet at least. I guess I only heard what I wanted to hear._

_Turns out that “not worse” is not the same thing as “better.”_

_I know I made a lot of promises. I hope one day you will understand why I’m continuing to break them now._

_If I had never told you about the ova I kept, if you had simply carried on exploring other options, you would have been spared all that needless heartache. You might have conceived on the first try with a donor egg and the sperm of a man not slowly dying of some unprecedented brain disease. Now I fear you might be unwilling to try again, after how badly this went._

_The doctors say they can’t help me. I’ve got a whole drawer of cases that say doctors aren’t the only option. Once I have exhausted those avenues too, or once the progression of my condition is such that I can no longer hide it from you, that is when I will tell you._

_I know that you already feel bad about the empty disc, about being promised this miracle cure only to have it yanked away like the football in a Peanuts comic strip. I remember what it was like, finding the chip that cured your cancer. I remember what it felt like when I thought I’d been deceived too, finding a vial filled with water instead of some miracle elixir I thought I was after. To tell you now that you maybe could have had something that would cure me… I won’t compound your frustration and guilt. I won’t do it._

_I was angry when you went off alone with him, but if I'm honest, I was really just afraid. Afraid you wouldn't see him for the snake he is, afraid he would dangle promises in front of you all while leading you to slaughter like a sacrificial lamb._

_I should have given you more credit. I'm sorry I let my fear turn me into an asshole._

_I’m embarking out on my own now for the same reasons you did these past few days. I want to try to fix this without you getting hurt. I don’t know if I will succeed, but I have to try._

 


	7. The Gift/Chimera

****_I’m hesitant to write this down because it’s probably too good to be true. But if, for some reason, I don’t manage to return from this trip, I want there to be a record. I want you to know why I left._

_I’m going to Squamash, Pennsylvania tomorrow. I’ve learned of the existence of a creature known as a soul-eater. It reportedly has the power to take away a person’s illness, to consume and remove any disease. The process by which it manages this is not without risks, but I believe they are risks worth taking. Because if this works, Dana… if it works, then I’m cured, and that is worth just about any risk._

_***_

_I couldn’t do it._

_I wanted so badly for it to work, for it to be the solution to my problem. But once I looked into his eyes, Dana, I couldn’t go through with it. I said a cure would be worth any risk, but what I didn’t realize was that it wasn’t about that at all._

_Every ailment he healed, he absorbed. Every suffering he eased, he bore himself, instead. He may have been something inhuman, but the people who tortured him for their own gain,_ _they_ _were the true monsters. I couldn’t be party to that._

_I know this case we’re on seems to barely qualify as an X-File. I know what I’m putting you through for the sake of having an excuse to disappear for eight hours as we rotate shifts on the stakeout. And for it all to have been for nothing in the end._

_I will find a way to make it up to you, I promise._

_My neurologist told me about a specialist in England who’s developing a new form of gene therapy that might help me. I don’t really understand all the specifics, but my doctor seems to think it sounds promising. That’s going to be the next thing I try, once I can make the arrangements to get over there. I’m not giving up._

 


	8. Je Souhaite

_I suppose, in the end, it all makes a twisted sort of sense. Be careful what you wish for and all that. Still, it’s too bad, isn’t it? Too bad you can’t just wish away all the world’s ills. Or even, for that matter, ills far smaller and more personal._

_I don’t know if it’s just that this particular jinni had a penchant for screwing with people or if it was just a function of the magic, but I thought I had it figured out. Altruism trumps self-indulgence. Seemed straightforward. Of course, that took my initial ideas off the table right away. I’m sorry for that, Dana. I would gladly have wished away whatever is wrong with my brain, wished for you to have a chance at motherhood. But I couldn’t risk either of those things falling victim to the jinni’s “creative interpretations.”_

_I don’t even want to think about what might have happened if I’d asked for peace on Earth last instead of first._

_Next week I go in for another set of scans to see if Dr. Jones’s treatment is helping. It’s hard to know what to expect. I don’t feel any different, but I wasn’t exactly feeling bad before, so… I just don’t know. Just going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best._

 


	9. Requiem

****_Dana,_

_If you are reading this, then I officially have more to apologize for than I ever have. This isn’t the way I wanted you to find out about any of this, but I can only blame myself for that. I won’t ask for your forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it. I can only hope to ask for your understanding._

_If Skinner and I find what we’re looking for in Oregon, I have to pursue it to the fullest. This would be true whether or not I had something wrong with my brain (you know that), but I won’t deny there’s a part of me that hopes they can just… fix me. You and I both know what they’re capable of._

_Please don’t lose yourself searching for me. This ship was hard enough to find while it’s sitting still. I promise that I will do everything in my power to come back to you. Abductees come back, Dana. Even Samantha came back, if I’d only known where to look for her. I_ ~~_know_ ~~ _trust that you won’t give up on me, and I swear that, if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you._

_I’m sorry. For everything._

_-M_


End file.
